Unraveled Feelings
by yanne xx
Summary: James is constantly asking Lily out, even when she's having her study session, much to her annoyance. But she finds herself missing his presence when he started distancing himself from her.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

_Hi! So here's chapter one of my fan fiction. I'll only be posting maby about five chapters 'cause I don't have enough time. Anyway, read, tell me what you think, and I hope you enjoy. :)_

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"What are you doing here?" Lily demanded as James sat beside her on Potions.

"I'm taking this class," James answered with a shrug.

"I mean, why are you sitting with me?" Lily corrected herself. "The Marauders are over there." She pointed at the table where Remus, Sirius and Peter were occupying,

"Is there a law that says I have to sit with them every Potions class?"

"No, but even if there is, you'll break it anyway."

"That's right."

Lily sighed and shook her head. James Potter's presence always brought humor and mischief. It ought to be fun. But Lily Evans _lived_ in rules and peace. So there was no way she would find James Potter a fun companion.

After the class, which was the last for that day, Lily went to the library. She sat on her favorite spot which was the table near the Restricted Section. It was the most inconspicuous place in the library.

She was into her reading when she felt someone's presence beside her. She jumped as she saw James Potter beaming at her.

"What are you doing here?" Lily said, clutching her still pounding heart.

"Nothing," James answered, his smile unwavering. "I was just wondering if you would go with me to the next Hogsmeade trip."

"No," Lily said, picking up her book which she had dropped. She paused to think. "James, the next Hogsmeade trip is on December and it's still October!"

"I know – hey!" James looked at her earnestly. "Did you call me James?"

"Gosh!' Lily replied in sarcasm. "I think I did."

"Come off it." He grinned. "So we're on first-name basis now?"

Lily ignored him and continued reading. James snatched her book away.

"What do you want from me?" she exclaimed, thoroughly annoyed.

"Silence!" Madam Pince barked. "One more yell and I'll send you to Professor McGonanagall."

Lily glared at James who smirked and gave her back the book.

"Hey, hey, hey!" James said, nudging Lily, who was back to her book.

"What?" Lily whisper-yelled.

"Look. I think there's something going on between Madam Pince and Filch."

Lily looked around the library and saw Madam Pince on her table, talking to Filch.

"He's always here," Lily said, giggling.

"Of course. He's visiting Madam Pince, isn't he?"

Lily let out another giggle, shook her head and practically put her nose back to her book.

James frowned.

"Why do you keep on reading?" he asked.

"Because – " She looked at him. " – I can actually learn something from what I read."

"Don't you get bored?"

"I enjoy reading."

James smirked.

"And I'm the one with the glasses," he muttered.

After a few minutes, James was getting bored. He vowed to himself never to go near Lily whenever she was in the library again. A few minutes later, he took it back. Didn't he promise to himself that he would stay with Lily whatever happened? Even if she got married, and have children, he could still stay friends with her, right? If only it wasn't hard. But he knew Lily would never go out with him. Never.

Feeling really bored, and idiotic because of his train of thought, he stepped on Lily's foot under the table, which made Lily shriek, which made Madam Pince and Filch advance on them.

"The two of you," Filch said, pointing at Lily and James. "Follow me."

Lily let out a groan.

Moments later, Lily and James were at Filch's office.

"Hmm… right," Filch said, looking through the shelves. The shelves contained records of rule-breaking students. James and Sirius, of course, had two whole shelves all to themselves.

"Name – James Potter and Lily Evans," Filch pronounced, writing on a parchment. "Violation – shouting inside the library and showing disrespect to the readers. Punishment – detention."

"What?" Lily burst out. "I never had to serve detention in my entire life!"

"Silence!" Filch rebuked her.

"Mr. Filch," James started to say, cringing at the politeness in his tone. "It wasn't her fault. I stepped on her foot. I – "

"Yes," Filch interrupted. "And she shouted. Come on, now. Follow me."

Filch led them to the trophy room, where trophies sat dusty on shelves.

"Clean those," Filch ordered. "No magic. I'll be back in two hours and you should be done by then."

When Filch disappeared, James grinned at Lily.

"Wow," he said. "This is the best detention I've ever had. And I've had three hundred fifty six detentions."

"Three hundred fifty six?" Lily repeated in disbelief. "That should be on world record."

"Nah; Sirius has had three hundred eighty plus."

"Whoa" was all Lily could say.

It turned out that cleaning the trophies wasn't a huge problem after all. By the next hour, they were halfway finished.

"Wow, you're good at this," Lily noted.

James shrugged. "On that three hundred fifty six detentions, almost two hundred I've spent cleaning trophies, antiquities, sinks, even toilet bowls."

"Ew," Lily said, disgusted.

James laughed.

"Even you yourself are good at this," he said.

"I'm Muggle-born, remember?"

"Right."

After a few silent moments:

"What's it like living with Muggles? James asked, and Lily could hear genuine curiosity in his tone.

"Well, from a witch's point of view, very tiring, difficult and boring," Lily answered truthfully.

"From a Muggle's point of view?"

"I guess I can say mundane. But Muggles don't have a choice, do they?"

James nodded.

"Life without magic is so boring, " Lily stated. Having finished cleaning all the trophies, she sat with her back on the shelf, stretching her arms over her folded knees.

James copied her.

"Yeah," he agreed. "What a comfort it must be for you when you found out."

Lily smiled.

"Totally. Mum and Dad were – and are still – very supportive about the whole thing," she said. "Which is good, considering Petunia began to hate me because of what I am."

"Petunia," James repeated. "That horse-faced sister of yours?"

Lily laughed.

"You can say that again."

"You know what?" James became serious. "Even though Muggle life is boring, I still think it is the better life to live in. I mean, it's much safer than the wizarding world. Teenagers like us who are supposed to be concerned about puppy loves and pinching zit, worry about some stupid Dark Lord gaining power."

Lily shuddered. She knew he was right, but she wasn't fond of him being serious. And their conversation was starting to freak her out.

"Puppy love?" she said, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah," James answered, looking at her in earnest. "Haven't you had a crush on someone before?"

Lily shook her head.

"Wow," James muttered. "That must mean you're not normal."

Lily laughed.

"How about you, Mr. Normal-'cause-I-have-a-crush-on-everyone-wearing-skirt?"

"Of course I have someone I like," James answered. "And, technically, what you said is true. She _is_ wearing a skirt, and a Hogwarts robe. She has red hair, and very dazzling green eyes."

Lily blushed and tore her gaze away from him. James, however, continued to stare at her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"Hey, where's Filch?" Lily checked her wristwatch. "His two hours had passed."

James smirked. "Probably snogging Madam Pince."

He stood up and turned the door knob.

"Lily?"

"What?"

"We may have a problem."

"What do you mean?" She stood up too.

"Filch locked the door."

"What?" she exclaimed. "Y-you mean… you mean we've been locked in?"

"Yeah."

Lily started to panic, which James found amusing.

"Do you have your wand? I left mine in my bag. And it's in the common room."

"Yes, of course." James scanned his pockets for his wand.

"Uh-oh," he muttered.

"What do you mean 'Uh-oh'?" demanded Lily. "Don't you dare tell me you don't have your wand with you because I'll strangle you to death."

"Whoa, relax, Lily," James consoled her. "We'll be fine. Filch will come back, believe me."

Lily sighed heavily and sat back down on her former position. James sat back down on his.

"What now?" Lily grumbled.

"Why don't you babble about anything and I'll listen?" James suggested.

"I'm not a babble-mouth. I'm not that kind of girl."

"What kind of girl are you then?"

Lily became thoughtful for a moment.

"I guess I'm the kind of girl who doesn't want to draw attention to myself over some new dress, new haircut and new lip gloss nonsense," she said finally. "One whose happiness doesn't only depend on fame and popularity."

"One who gets every boy's attention just by being different from other girls," James added.

"That isn't true," Lily disagreed, blushing.

"Wanna bet?"

"How about you, huh?" What kind of guy are you?"

James smiled at her.

"I'm the kind of guy who wants to draw the attention of the girl I like. One whose happiness depends on how happy that girl is."

"One who's a jerk."

James shrugged. "If that's what you think."

Silence followed and Lily found herself yawning. She glanced at her wristwatch and gasped.

"Eleven forty!" she exclaimed. "Ugh! I'm feeling sleepy."

She rested her forehead on her hands and closed her eyes. _Drat that Filch,_ she thought.

A minute later, she felt a warm arm encircling her shoulders, urging her to lean her head on his chest. She would have pulled away but she was seriously tired and sleepy that she just let herself be embraced – or was it the right word? She didn't care. All she knew was that the arm around her was surprisingly warm and comfortable, much better than her pillow.

"You know what?" she murmured, already unaware of what she was saying. "You're not really as bad as I thought you were. I actually enjoy being with you. I think I'm going to miss your company once you start distancing yourself away from me."

James smiled, and kissed the top of her head.

"I'm guessing you're unconscious now," he said.

"Lily," James whispered, trying not to shake her. "Lily, wake up!"

Lily slowly opened her eyes.

"What?"

"Wake up. I hear footsteps."

Lily straightened up and rubbed her eyes. James stood up and sat on the floor opposite from her.

They saw the doorknob turn and Filch was looking at the two of them. He surveyed the whole room, looking for an excuse to give them more detentions, no doubt.

"Enjoyed?" he asked the two.

"Definitely," James answered coldly.

He helped Lily to her feet and they both walked towards the Gryffindor Tower in silence.

"James!" Remus said in relief. He and the other Marauders were waiting for him by the fireplace, fully awake, except for Peter who was dozing on the couch.

"Where have you been?" Sirius asked, and then he spotted Lily. "Oh."

"Detention," Lily explained briefly, thinking that they might suspect that the two were dating.

Sirius laughed.

"You? Detention? I'm sorry but it doesn't belong to the same sentence."

"Can it, Sirius," James spoke up.

Remus tapped Sirius's shoulder.

"Let's go," he said, and turned to Peter. "Peter?"

Peter didn't wake up.

"Blimey," Sirius said. "He snores."

"Not as bad as you do," James told him.

"Look who's talking."

"I don't snore."

"Yes, you do."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Sirius," Remus chided him, gesturing at their dormitory.

"Fine," Sirius grunted.

Lily bent down to gather the other books she left in the common room. She stuffed it all in her bag and checked for her wand. When she was about to head to her dormitory, she saw James still waiting for her.

"Hey, um – " she started to say. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For – " She racked her brain for the right words to use. " – for letting me lean on you a while back …?" Her answer turned out as a question.

_Oops, that didn't come out right,_ she thought.

James smiled. "No problem."

Lily noticed dark circles under James's eyes. She checked her watch. Wow, it was already two twenty in the morning. James stayed awake all night to watch out for Filch.

"You've got eye bags," she stated.

"It's okay."

"I owe you."

James merely shrugged.

"I think you're in serious need of sleep," Lily said.

"You too."

"Goodnight then."

James walked towards her and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

"Goodnight."

Lily turned around and walked towards their dormitory, feeling a pair of eyes behind her all the way.

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_Chapter 3's coming up. Review please… Thanks._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Christmas was approaching, and so was the Hogsmeade trip. Lily was being constantly annoyed by James who was asking her to go with him. Thoroughly irritated with him, she said yes, making it clear that they would go only as friends. Though James was not contented, he agreed and brought along Remus, Sirius and Peter.

The five of them entered The Three Broomsticks and James treated them all with butterbeers.

"This is why you're my best mate," Sirius joked, sipping his butterbeer.

James rolled his eyes at the comment.

"Are you staying for Christmas, Lily?" Remus asked her.

Lily nodded.

"Hey, now I know why James wants to stay," Sirius said. "He usually likes to spend his holidays with his parents."

James stabbed Sirius's toe under the table.

"Ow!" Sirius exclaimed. "What was that for?"

James gave him a look that said _Shut up now!_

Lily laughed at the exchange.

"Peter?" Remus called. "Why so quiet?"

"You see that girl over by that table?" Peter whispered, pointing at a brunette sitting with her friends at the far end of the room.

"Don't tell me you're worrying about a girl," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"No."

"What, then?" James prompted.

"Well – " Peter swallowed noisily. " – you know there are so many mistletoe at the castle, right?"

"No way," Lily interrupted, guessing what Peter was getting at, her green eyes widening.

Peter sighed and nodded.

"You kissed?" Remus said, a little loudly in surprise.

"Now, now, Moony," Sirius chided him. He turned to Peter. "YOU KISSED?" he shouted, causing the people in the pub to stare at them and causing Peter to flush tomato red.

James smiled sheepishly at the on-lookers.

"Excuse us," he said and pulled everyone down into a huddle under the table.

"Sirius!" he whisper-yelled.

"Sorry, I forgot to think," Sirius said defensively.

"No. You just don't know how to think."

When they were sure no one was gawking at their table again, they started to pick up where they left off their conversation.

"I hate mistletoe," Lily complained.

Sirius laughed.

"Brace yourself 'cause you're going to hate it even more after the holiday."

Lily glared at him and James.

"Whatever you're planning, it's never going to work," she warned them. "If you attempt – " She was looking directly at James now. " – to make me walk under a mistletoe, I'll push Sirius right underneath with you."

Sirius gaped at her in terror.

"James," he said. "I'm begging you. Don't even try to make her."

"Yeah, because Sirius only wants to kiss me," Peter spoke up.

"Um, I think I'll stick with James, after all," Sirius answered.

The others laughed.

James and Lily, as Head Boy and Head Girl, were assigned by Professor McGonagall to collect the names of the students who would be staying at Hogwarts for Christmas. In turn, they asked the Prefects to do it. It turned out that only a few students were going to stay; only about twenty students.

More and more mistletoes could be seen hanging in the corridors. A few girls were bringing along their friends so they wouldn't have to step under mistletoe with a boy. Lily was avoiding the mistletoe the best she could, turning to corridors where she was sure there were no mistletoe. It seemed that James was avoiding them too. Girls were literally waiting for him to step underneath one. Sirius was having fun. He was practically dragging every girl that was in sight. "Oops," he would say. "Stepped under a mistletoe."

The day before Christmas, the castle was emptied with students, except, of course for the teachers and the students who decided to stay.

"Hey!" Mary Macdonald's voice came.

Lily was lying with her back on top of the bed, thinking. She looked up.

"Hi, Mary."

"You and Potter, huh?" Mary said, sitting on her own bed.

"What?" Lily asked innocently.

"Are you going out?"

"No."

Mary laughed.

"Yeah, right."

"It's true! We're just friends," Lily insisted.

"If you say so," Mary answered in an unbelieving tone.

"I thought you were going home," Lily said to change the topic.

"I changed my plans. I owled my parents last night, telling them I'll stay. I thought maybe you needed a companion, but I guess my presence is no longer needed, considering that Potter's here," Mary teased her.

"Don't be silly, Mary."

Mary laughed.

"Anyway, what were you thinking when I entered?"

"I'm thinking of what gift to give to James," Lily answered in a whisper.

"See?" Mary shouted in delight. "I knew it!"

Lily shook her head.

"Can't a girl and a guy be friends without romance?"

Mary considered it for a moment.

"Of course they can," she replied. "But the two of you?" She shook her head.

Lily rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at her.

"You're impossible."

Mary caught it.

"Okay, seriously now," she said.

Lily smiled slightly.

"I think you should give him something to use for trouble-making," Mary suggested.

"Are you mental? That'll make me a bad Head Girl."

"And he's already a bad Head Boy, so it's all fair."

"No," Lily answered firmly.

"But you won't really be helping him with mischief."

"What do you mean?"

"You'll just help him distinguish snakes on grasses."

"Speak English."

"Simple, isn't it? A Sneakoscope."

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_This chapter's boring, I know. Chapter 3 doesn't really end here. But it would be a bit longer than the other chapters. Anyway, I'll post Chapter 4 pretty soon. Please review.. thanks. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

"Lily!"

Lily opened her eyes the next morning, and saw Mary peering at her excitedly.

"Merry Christmas!" Mary greeted.

"Merry Christmas," Lily replied, a little groggy from sleep.

"Get out of bed. You've got gifts!"

Lily rubbed her eyes and focused them on the gifts lying beside her bed. The biggest was from her parents and it was on a basket decorated with ribbons. It was a snowy white cat.

Lily's eyes brightened as she saw the cat. She had always wanted one. She hugged tightly, enjoying its cuddliness.

"Wow," Mary commented.

Lily grinned at her.

She opened another one that was from Mary. It was a romance novel and Lily noticed that the pictures on the cover were not moving.

"You bought this from a Muggle store?" Lily asked Mary, touched.

"Yeah. I bought it during the summer. You know wizarding stores don't sell books like that."

"Thank you!"

"And thank you for the silver bracelet - it's exactly what I like."

Lily turned back to the gift left lying on the floor. She opened it and was taken aback to see that it was from James. It was the most exquisite necklace she had ever seen. On one of its tiny chains, a thumb-sized silver stag hung.

Lily couldn't find the words to describe it. Wonderful, beautiful and fabulous were all understatement. It was simply perfect.

"Wow," Mary breathed behind her. "Well, Lily, don't forget your manners."

Without another word, Lily rushed to the common room, still in her pajamas. Sure enough, James was there alone, looking sleepy.

"Merry Christmas!" she said, her Christmas a whole lot merrier.

"Merry Christmas!" James answered, beaming at her.

"Thanks for the necklace. It's perfect."

"Glad you like it. I love your gift too. Though it kept on turning - it's already freaking Peter out."

Lily smiled.

"So where are the others?"

"Sirius and Remus are at the Great Hall. I think Sirius is starting to freak those first years out. Everyone's afraid of the mistletoe now. And Peter's sleeping."

"Doesn't Peter ever stop sleeping?"

James shrugged.

An hour later, Lily was walking alone in the corridors when she heard James's voice call her name. She turned around and saw him running towards her. She automatically looked above her to check if there was mistletoe nearby.

"Don't worry, Lily," James said with a low chuckle. "I won't push you under any mistletoe."

Lily sighed in relief.

"Good."

He fell into a step beside her and the two walked in silence until they reached a completely deserted corridor. There were no suits of armors, no talking paintings, no statues, and even mistletoe was absent. The only thing present was a full-sized mirror standing abandoned amidst the empty corridor.

Lily slowly stepped closer to the mirror, wondering what hidden magic it bore. She stood in front of the mirror and gasped out loud as she saw James with her on the mirror and his hands were around her waist. She looked around her but James was still far from the mirror.

"What - what is this mirror?" she asked.

"That's the Mirror of Erised," James answered, finally coming closer.

Lily ran her hand through the writing that was carved on it.

"'Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi,'" she read.

Then understanding dawned on her face.

"It means - " James began to say.

"'I show not your face but your heart's desire,'" Lily said. "But if it shows our heart's desire, then why - ?" she trailed off, her face turning red.

If James found out what she saw - Lily couldn't, or _wouldn't_ like to imagine it. But she didn't like James Potter! She wouldn't even go out with him even if he was the only boy left in the earth!

"What did you see?" James asked.

Lily shook her head hastily.

"Top secret?" James teased her. "Fine, then I won't tell you what I saw."

Each stood quiet for a moment, pondering on what they were seeing. Then instinct made Lily see above her.

"Mistletoe," she whispered, looking at it.

James looked up at the mistletoe and when they both looked down again, their eyes met.

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_I'm evil, I know. I left you guys hanging. XD. But anyway, watch out for the next chapter. :) Read_ _and review, please. Thanks._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

_Hey, remember when I said this fanfic will only have five chapters? Well, I'm going to post eight chapters now, okay?_

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
_

When Lily and James pulled away from the kiss, James was looking at Lily with an apologetic expression on his face.

"I – Lily, I'm so sorry," he said, his voice just above a whisper.

Lily looked down at her hands as she spoke.

"I think we should go back to the common room."

James nodded and Lily immediately walked towards the Gryffindor Tower, leaving James behind. When she arrived at the tower, she went directly to their dormitory, only catching sight of James as he entered the portrait hole.

"Lily?" Mary said as she looked up from the book she was reading.

Lily didn't speak. She just went straight to her bed, closed the curtains and let the traitor tears flood her face. She didn't know why she was crying. She didn't know why she was feeling utterly confused. She didn't know why she left James there, didn't know why she had even let James Potter kiss her. It was not her at all. It was not Lily Evans.

Lily knew she was exaggerating - why was she crying? It had been a long time since she tasted salty tears run through her cheeks. Lily Evans didn't know how to cry. She wasn't weak. She was strong. Then why was she crying?

Feeling idiotic, she wiped the tears away from her face and opened the curtain. Mary was still there, looking at her with concern.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes," Lily answered automatically.

"Were you crying?"

"No," said Lily, but even to her own ears, the lie was audible.

"Lily," Mary said, still looking at her with that concern look on her face. "Your eyes are still red."

Lily closed her eyes.

"Fine, I'm not," she admitted. "I'm not okay."

"Care to tell me about it?"

"It's about what happened in that empty corridor, when a mistletoe just appeared above me and...James."

Mary, her eyes widening, covered her O-shaped mouth.

"Yeah," Lily said.

"But why were you crying?"

"I don't know," Lily answered truthfully, picking up her cat and squeezing it with a hug.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know what I was thinking, letting him kiss me, and then leaving him there."

Mary shook her head in sympathy for her friend.

"Wait," she suddenly said as a realization hit her. "Could you possibly be in-love with James Potter?"

"I'm not!" Lily said hastily.

"You could be, you know."

"No," Lily answered firmly. "I would never fall in-love with him - or with anybody else. Falling in-love - it has trouble, distraction and stupidity written all over it."

Mary shook her head slowly.

"Right now, you _are_ getting stupid. I mean, why are you so afraid to fall in-love?"

"I'm not afraid," Lily insisted.

"Aren't you?" Mary said simply, studying her with an earnest expression.

When Lily didn't answer, Mary continued:

"Look, I know you think that being in-love opens you to idiocy and vulnerability. I know you're afraid to have your heart broken. But Lily, James Potter would never hurt you."

"How can you be sure of that? He's a Marauder! He has the whole female population of Hogwarts drooling over him. And most of them had their hearts broken by him."

"Lily, he loves you."

"How can you say that? He's in-love with everybody who wears skirt."

"Think again, Lily. Those other girls are just flings. Do you think he'll waste his time asking you out when he already know you'll refuse?"

"Why are you siding with him? I thought you're my friend."

"And I am. That's why I'm trying to get you to understand why you're feeling confused."

Lily shook her head srubbornly.

"Impossible."

A few weeks after the scene under the mistletoe, she didn't know what to do or say whenever James was around. She didn't like it. Didn't like it at all. But James acted normally to her. It was almost like the kiss didn't happen.

When Christmas vacation was over, the castle was starting to be filled with students. Classes started to pick up again and it was always a busy day for Lily and James. N.E.W.T.s were approaching so Lily could always be seen in the common room, sitting beside the fire, surrounded by as many books as one could probably imagine. James was always with her, sometimes bothering her. But oftentimes he just sat with her without saying something.

February came and the school was having a Valentine Ball. James was asking Lily out every five seconds, only to be answered with a constant no.

"Hi, Lily," James said that night when Lily was frantically writing on a parchment. There were about five books open in front of her.

"No," Lily answered automatically before James could even begin with the usual, "Will you go with me to the Ball?"

"But Lily," James almost whined. "The others already have dates."

"Why don't you ask the other girls?" Lily suggested impatiently.

"I won't go to the Ball unless I'm with you," James told her firmly.

"You've been going to who knows how many Balls with different girls, James."

"Not anymore."

"James." She looked him straight in the eye. "I'm busy."

James let it go - for now. He leaned on the couch opposite Lily and folded his arms with a huff.

"Lily," he tried again.

"No."

"Lily."

"No."

"Even just - "

"No."

"Why can't you - "

"No."

"Just this once, Lily. I'm begging you."

Lily sighed heavily and looked - no, 'glared' would be more appropriate - at James.

"I'm busy, James. I have five essays to work on. What part of that did you not understand?"

Before James could answer, a boy in their year approached them.

"Hi, Lily," he said in an annoyingly confident voice.

"What?"

"I was wondering if you could go to the Ball with me."

Lily was about to yell at him when a much better idea crossed her mind. She gave James another glare before turning to the boy.

"Sure," she said.

The boy smiled and turned back to his friends.

Lily then looked at James.

"Now, leave me alone."

She gave her full attention to her essays that she didn't notice it when James left. She didn't notice what expression was on his face.

* * *

_There. I haven't written the details of the kiss, have I? Well, I think you already know what happened. :) Read and review please. Thanks soo much for those who reviewed._


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

"You - what?" Mary screeched in surprise an hour later at their dormitory.

"I already told you." Lily sighed. "Ugh! I'm not going to the Ball."

"But why did you tell that boy you'd go? I don't even think you know the name of that boy."

"I only did it because I was so sick of James bothering me every second of the day."

Mary tutted.

"What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to cancel the date."

"How?"

"Tell him I got sick - just right now."

"Excuse me? Don't tell me I'm the one who'll tell him - "

"Yes. Please, Mary, please?" Lily pleaded.

"Fine."

"Yes!" Lily practically jumped up and down her bed.

"Thank you so much, Mary! You're the best!"

Mary held up her index finger.

"On one condition."

Lily's face fell.

"There's a condition?"

Mary nodded.

"You'll go and talk to James."

Lily swallowed.

"Okay," she muttered. "I'll do it. But not right now."

The night of the Ball came and Lily was sitting on her four-poster bed, watching Mary prepare. She thought of the possibilities if she had accepted James's invitation. She knew it would probably be a night to remember. But only because, though she hated to admit it, James was a person with great humor and his presence always made Lily think that her heart was always flying, and she wondered whether it had wings. But if she had said yes, it would also bring another round of confusion, no doubt.

"Lily!" Mary's voice snapped Lily out of her reverie.

"What?"

"Aren't you going to talk to James now? I heard he's still available."

"I'm not going to the Ball, Mary."

"Yes, but you're going to talk to him - we have a deal. And I've already told the boy that you're not going."

"Fine."

Mary glanced at the wall clock at the far end of their dormitory.

"I gotta go," she said, smoothing her hair.

"Good luck."

"You need it more than I do."

Lily sighed in response.

When Mary was gone, Lily checked her reflection at the mirror. Her red hair was still tangled at some places. Her face looked a little oily but she thought it would have to do. James was never bothered by the way she looked. She rarely wore make-up and James was fine by that. After all, he had already seen her with her hair in a _very_ messy appearance, and her whole face covered in sweat. That was, of course, during their Flying lesson on first year. And he had also seen her only in her bath robe - accidentally, of course - in the Prefect's bathroom.

Still in her pajamas, she walked out of their dormitory and into the common room. But James was nowhere in sight. In fact, nobody was at the common room though the Ball had not yet started. She sat on her favorite couch to wait. She knew James would appear.

A few minutes later, the Marauders came down from their dormitory. Lily sighed in relief, only to hold it back when she realized that James wasn't with them.

She stood up and walked towards them.

"Sirius," she called, knowing that among the three of them, Sirius was the closest to James. "Do you know where James is?"

Sirius didn't answer. And Lily was surprised to see the hostility in Sirius's face as he looked at her.

"Let's go," he just said to the others.

Peter followed him but Remus lingered for a moment.

"He's at the Astronomy Tower," he said to her quietly. "I think he wants to be alone."

He gave her a wan smile and patted her shoulder once, just like how Lily's father sometimes did whenever he was giving her an advice. He then followed Sirius and Peter out.

So James wanted to be alone, which meant, Lily concluded, that what she did the other day had a great effect on him. The hostility of Sirius to her gave proof to that. He was angry. And he didn't want to talk to anyone. Not even to her, she was sure.

Lily sighed and walked back to her dormitory.

For the next few days, Lily was beginning to feel guiltier and guiltier because of what she did. James was no longer talking to her and – Lily thought with chagrin – he avoided being in the same room with her for as far as he was able. The classes they were taking, of course, were exceptions. Since they were both aspiring to be Aurors, they were taking the same subjects. But other than that, Lily didn't see James anywhere.

During Potions class, while Lily sat on the seat directly in front, James sat at the very back. When mixing potions, Lily's constant partner was Mary, and James's was Sirius. When Lily was studying in front of the fire at the common room, she couldn't concentrate. She knew it was because James wasn't there. That was so weird, she thought. When James was with her, she couldn't concentrate because – she gulped at the thought – James's presence brought birds assaulting in her stomach. But now that he was nowhere, he was still a distraction. Every time Lily was at the Library, reading the book given to her by Mary, she half-expected him to turn up and startle her like what he always did. Did. Past tense.

She didn't know what was wrong with her. She had never been as confused as she felt that time. She thought about what Mary had said. _Could you possibly be in-love with James Potter?_she had said. Could she? Could she truly be in-love? With James? James Potter?

No, she thought firmly. But even if she kept convincing herself that, Mary's words kept on creeping back to her already jumbled thoughts, always accompanied with _Lily, he loves you._

Days, weeks and months passed with Lily's confusion growing more and more intense. She missed James. So much. Even if she kept on keeping it inside her, she couldn't hide that fact. But she couldn't talk to James. She just couldn't. It wasn't that James glared daggers at her every time their eyes would meet. It was just that he was acting like she didn't exist, or he didn't know her. And every time he did that, Lily could literally feel her heart sinking lower and lower until it reached the pit of her stomach.

"Miss Evans!" Professor McGonagall called. Lily didn't know how long Professor McGonagall had been trying to get her attention, but she knew it wasn't the first.

"Huh – what?" she stuttered, aware that every eyes were on her.

"Thank you for joining us, Miss Evans," McGonagall said sternly.

Lily flushed and looked down at her book.

"Five points from Gryffindor," McGonagall announced, making all the Gryffindors in the room groan.

When McGonagall continued on with her discussion, Mary nudged Lily's arm.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked her.

"Nothing," Lily whispered back.

"Oh, I know there is. And that problem might be sitting at the back of this room."

Unconsciously, Lily looked at the person sitting at the back. For a moment, their eyes met. James was, of course, the first to pull his gaze away without any sign of recognition. Lily continued to look at him, though.

"Having a good view there, Miss Evans?" McGonagall's voice cut through her thoughts again.

Lily turned back to face the front.

After that horrific class, Lily sat at her usual spot in the common room. After a few minutes, Remus and Peter joined her.

"I'm bored," Peter complained, sitting directly in front of the fire. "I can eat flames just for something to do."

Remus chuckled.

"Wouldn't that be a little uncomfortable?"

"I don't know. I haven't tried it yet, have you?"

Remus gave him a funny look.

"I can let you borrow a book, peter," Lily suggested.

"What book?" Peter asked warily.

"It's a novel, actually. A love story."

"Oh, okay."

Lily stood up and went to their dormitory to get the Muggle book. When she arrived back at the common room, she was almost stunned to see Sirius and James there. Suddenly, her throat felt stuck. It was like her respiratory system had stopped working. For a moment she just stood there, debating with herself whether or not to head back to their dormitory like the coward she was. But her feet acted on their accord and soon she was standing in front of Peter, handing her the book.

"Here," she said.

"Thank you, Lily."

Lily sat down on her original spot. Thankfully enough, there were three couches between her and James, and all those were occupied.

Peter read the back of the book and Lily could see that he grew interested.

"What's the story about?" Remus asked him.

"Well, it says here that this girl named Alyzza had a boyfriend named Jet," Peter began. "But she was getting sick of him because Jet was always where she was – or he _wanted_ to always be where she was. And his presence was too much for Alyzza, and she wanted space. So she dumped him without explanation, or anything. Then it says here, 'Will Alyzza finally realize what Jet is to her life?'"

"Wait," James said, talking for the first time. "Isn't that unfair? Alyzza, I mean. Why would she dump him like that?"

"Because she was getting sick of Jet," Lily said and her sudden response to James shocked her.

"Peter," James said, ignoring her. "Don't you think Alyzza should have talked about it with Jet first?"

"Peter," Lily said, finally getting furious at James for all those times he had ignored her. "I think it was just the right thing to do, don't you? If she talked to him about it, he might not let her break up with him."

"Peter," James spat. "What if Jet didn't know that what he was doing was starting to get to Alyzza's nerves?"

"Peter, what if Alyzza simply _needed _space like how she needs air to breath? What if Jet didn't understand her?"

"Peter, what if Jet _did_ understand her? He just couldn't let her go because he was truly in-love with her. _Insanely_ in-love with her."

"Peter, what if Jet was going a little overboard?"

"Peter, what if because of the love Jet had for Alyzza, he couldn't care more about anything else? What if he didn't know the right and wrong thing anymore because he was blinded by the love he felt for L – I mean, Alyzza? What if – " He gave Lily a cold glare. " – Alyzza was just plain dumb to see it?"

And at that moment, Lily knew that they were not arguing about Alyzza and Jet anymore. But before she could say anything else, James stormed out of the common room. Lily was vaguely aware that their argument had caught the attention of all their co-Gryffindors as she went to follow him. Lily knew she had to talk to him. It was now or never.

As Remus, Sirius, Peter and the others watched Lily and James's retreating backs, Peter spoke up with his fearful squeaky voice, "What did I do wrong?"

* * *

_Watch out for chapter 7. I might have misspelled some words there so just tell me. I'm in a hurry while typing this chapter and I didn't check. Please don't forget your reviews, thanks. :)_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

"James!" Lily called but James continued to walk forward, his long legs making it hard for Lily to catch up. They were now outside the castle.

"James!" she called again. "James, listen to me."

James turned around to face her, and the hostile look upon his face intimidated her.

"What?" he snapped.

"James, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?" He smiled an angry smile. "For what? For giving me mixed signals? For always turning me down? For making me look stupid?"

"James, I – I was confused."

"The hell you were!"

"I am," Lily insisted, and she could feel hot tears stinging her eyes.

"Of course," James said with heavy sarcasm. "That's why you rejected my invitation to go to the Ball, and accepted someone else's. Someone I bet you don't even know!"

"I only did it because – "

"Because what? Because you simply don't like me? You should have told me that straightaway instead of giving me mixed signals – instead of letting me kiss you under that blasted mistletoe and making me think that somehow you have feelings for me too."

"James, I was afraid," Lily finally admitted. She couldn't see him clearly. Her tears were blinding her. "I was afraid to fall in-love. I was afraid to have my heart broken. And I – " She swallowed. " – I didn't know if it was true that you – you love me."

James laughed a humorless laugh.

"They say you're clever. They say you're brilliant. But you're just as daft as anybody else. What more do I have to do in order to let you see how much I'm in-love with you? How much my heart beats wildly whenever I'm talking to you? How much my mind becomes in disarray whenever I see you?"

Lily didn't say anything, afraid that her voice might break. James moved closer to her and he held her arms. His hold wasn't tight; it wasn't furious. Lily closed her tear-stricken eyes and warm fingers wiped the tears that were still falling. He let his finger linger in her cheek for a moment. And when he spoke, his voice was soft.

"You told me to leave you alone. And now I am."

The hands in Lily's arms loosen and when she opened her eyes, James was gone.

"Lily, you ready?" Mary asked her.

Lily took one last look at the castle that had always been her second home, and nodded. She took a deep breath and entered the Hogwarts Express. They settled into one empty compartment.

"Lily?"

"Hm?"

"Remember when I asked you if you were ready?"

Lily nodded slowly.

"You don't look ready," Mary stated.

Lily sighed and admitted, "I know."

Mary didn't even ask about James. She knew perfectly well that ever since James left Lily at the school grounds, they didn't have any communication. They were avoiding each other. Lily acted pretty normally. But only Mary knew that a week - maybe even a month - after their last "conversation", Lily cried every night. That was when Lily fully realized that the emptiness she felt inside her was caused by the love she had for James - a love she had only unraveled after that night. She doubted whether that love could still bring back the past. That love, for all she knew, was already unwanted. But if they were really meant for each other, fate would have to bring them back together.

The Hogwarts Express halted to a stop at King's Cross Station. Lily and Mary went out of the train.

"Oh, this is it!" Mary said, wiping her face with a handkerchief. "I'm going to miss you, Lily."

"Owl me, okay?"

"I promise!"

They hugged each other and parted ways to go to their families. Lily's eyes scanned the whole station, but she couldn't find the very person she wanted to see.

"Lily!" Petunia's voice called, accompanied with impatient knocks on her bedroom door.

"What?" Lily shouted back.

"There's an owl downstairs with a letter from that freak headmaster of yours."

Lily opened her door and glared at her sister.

"Professor Dumbledore isn't a freak," she said icily.

Petunia glared back before entering her bedroom that was just next to Lily's.

Lily went downstairs and untied the letter that was tied to the owl's feet.

"'Dear Miss Lily Evans,'" she read. "'As you know, Lord Voldemort has been gathering followers known as the Death Eaters. The Wizarding world and also the Muggle world is being filled with the bad side. Needless to say, we are in need of wizards and witches to help defy Voldemort and thus maintain peace in our world. For the past few months, I have been looking for well-trained wizards and witches and you, Miss Evans, might be a good addition to the Order of the Phoenix. If you decide to accept my invitation, there is a feast at Hogwarts with all the members. This will be held on the first of August. Yours truly, Albus Dumbledore.'"

Lily's eyes had grown wider while she was reading the letter. After she graduated from Hogwarts, she had been staying at their house, not even bothering to train for an Auror because she knew that if she did, there would be a possibility that she would see James. If she wanted to train for an Auror, she would have to do it maybe after a year. But this, the Order of the Phoenix - though there was a probability that James would be there - might be a good opportunity. Besides, it was time to face the wizarding world again.

When the first of August came, Lily rode the Knight Bus to Hogwarts. And when she got there, her head was pounding, because of the ride. She promised herself never to ride the Knight Bus again.

She inhaled before entering the castle. She had never entered the castle during the summer before so she found it unusual to find silence inside. When she went to the Great Hall, members of the Order of the Phoenix were already there, occupying the four House tables.

"Lily!" Dumbledore greeted her, his blue eyes twinkling behind half-moon spectacles.

"Professor! It's good to see you again!"

"Oh, don't call me professor. I believe you're not my student anymore."

"Sure."

"How have you been?" Dumbledore asked, leading her inside. Lily felt his blue eyes were X-raying her.

"I've been fine," Lily lied.

"Well, the others are over there." He pointed at the Gryffindor table.

"Thank you, Prof - I mean - Dumbledore."

She walked towards the table and looked for old acquaintances.

"Lily! Over here!" a familiar voice called.

She looked for the source of the voice and saw the Marauders, with Remus and Peter waving her over. She could that the wings in her heart was flapping again as she saw James sitting there, but not looking at her.

"How are you?" Remus asked, hugging her.

"I'm good," Lily answered. Again, the lie was there. "You?"

"We're fine," Remus said as Lily hugged Sirius and Peter.

"It's good to see you, Lily," Sirius said, and Lily was relieved that he wasn't angry at her anymore.

"You too. _All_ of you," Lily added as she saw James still sitting there, acting like she wasn't around.

"Why don't you join us, Lily?" Sirius offered, gesturing to the seat between him and James.

"Er - no thanks, Sirius."

Lily turned around and walked towards the other tables.

"Hi," Lily said to a witch at the Hufflepuff table. "Can I sit here?"

"Go ahead," she said.

"I'm Lily Evans."

"Oh, hi, Lily! I'm Andromeda Black," the woman said, holding out her hand to shake Lily's.

"You must be Sirius's cousin."

"Oh, yes. After all, he's the only one among the Blacks that I consider a cousin - or a family."

"Why?"

"We -Sirius and me - are blood traitors," Andromeda said with a chuckle.

"Blood traitors? Why would you be blood traitors?"

"I married a Muggle-born and Sirius, well, he just doesn't like the fact that pure-blooded families should be the only ones to run the Wizarding world. It's a load of crap, if you ask me."

"And the rest of the family?"

Andromeda smirked.

"My sister Bellatrix is a Death Eater. My other sister Narcissa _married _a Death Eater. And Regulus, Sirius's brother might be one."

"Whoa," Lily breathed. "Your family's - "

"Crazy, I know."

Lily laughed.

They talked for a moment. Then Lily decided to ask Dumbledore's permission to roam the castle for awhile. She went out to the castle grounds and sat on the only bench there.

It was official, Lily thought. She would have to practice on not thinking about James Potter. She knew for a fact that it would be hard since she had been thinking about him all summer. Not thinking about him would be a good thing for her. Thinking about him made her depressed and miserable. Not thinking about him - well, she didn't know what it would make her feel. But she knew it wouldn't be easy. Thinking about him and having his face vividly in Lily's mind was like a drug. It was obsessive. Once she started thinking about him, she wouldn't be able to stop.

But before her thoughts could go any further, she heard a voice call her name. It was a voice that was awfully familiar, though she wondered why that was. She hadn't heard that voice for approximately five months.

She slowly turned around and when she saw him, her long-forgotten feeling became more intense. Her heart was literally _jumping_ inside her.

"Hi," James said quietly.

"James," Lily muttered, unable to believe what was happening.

James sat beside her on the bench and Lily was staring at him, looking like an idiot.

"I missed you, you know," James told her, smiling for the first time since Lily saw him at the castle grounds months before. "It hasn't been the same. I told you I'd leave you alone but I'm tired of it. You don't know the yearning I felt after what happened that night - the yearning to be with you, to hold you, to speak with you. But I promised to leave you, didn't I? So I kept my promise. But now, as you can see, I'm breaking it. I didn't know promises could kill.

"I thought about what you said," he continued, looking at the setting sun. "You were confused - I understand. Being a marauder has its cons, doesn't it? But, Lily, I want you to understand that you are the very first girl I'm serious with. I was confused too, at first. I'd never felt like this in my whole life. Until you came. And when i finally realized that I was in-love with you, I gave all of me. Melodramatic, isn't it? But it's true. I didn't know you were getting sick of me. I couldn't see it. My feelings for you made it impossible."

"I wasn't getting sick of you," Lily said, surprised that her voice didn't sound overwhelmed. "I only did it because I was busy and you were bothering me. And I didn't mean it when I told you to leave me alone."

"It had been a hard time, even pranks couldn't cheer me up. Everything seemed to remind me of you. Sirius thought I've gone mad. Every twilight, when I look at the sky's red and orange glow, I remember your hair. And do you know that I snapped at my mother when she wore her emerald earrings? And we have so many lilies at our garden that it was driving me crazy.

"And when I saw you as Remus and Peter called you over to our table, it was torture. I wanted to hold you. I wanted to hug you. But I couldn't. I thought you were angry. And now that I know you're not..."

"James - "

"I love you, Lily."

"Not as much as I do."

James raised his eyebrows mockingly.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Prove it."

Without giving him time to blink, she kissed him. James placed his hand on her back to make it last longer. And at that time, Lily was sure that the last five months didn't happen.

* * *

_This doesn't end here, okay? I still have to post the Epilogue. Read and review please. Thank you so much. :)_


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_Five years later… _

"James," Lily muttered sleepily. "Harry's crying."

"He'll stop," James said.

Lily groaned and looked at the clock beside their bed. It was only three forty in the morning and Harry was already crying endlessly in the other room.

"Wake up!" she urged, shaking him.

"Five more minutes," James mumbled, almost incoherently.

"Wake up now!"

James grumbled for a few moments before opening his eyes; it only opened halfway.

"Come on!" she said, grabbing James's shirt and towing him to Harry's nursery with difficulty.

Inside Harry's room, his cries were worse. Lily resisted the urge to cover her ears.

"What does he want?" James asked; fully awake now, courtesy of Harry's squeals.

"I don't know," Lily answered truthfully.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

Lily rolled her eyes.

"It means I don't know. _You_ should know what he wants – you're a boy!"

"I may be, but I didn't know what I was thinking when I was a toddler."

"Well, it doesn't change the fact that you're a boy."

"Why _me_? _You_'re the mother."

"Aren't you the father?"

"I am, but you should have that something they call 'mother's instinct'," James said defensively, scowling at her.

Lily scowled back.

"Fine. Carry him."

"What? I only woke up five minutes ago. I don't have energy yet."

"Well, so do I, but you're the bloke, so you should've more energy than I have."

"_You_ carry him," James insisted firmly.

"No, you."

"You."

"You."

When James didn't answer, Lily noticed that the room had gone silent. She looked at Harry, only to see him smiling quietly at the two of them.

"What are you smiling about?" Lily cooed, leaning forward the cradle to carry him.

"I know," James said. "It's your birthday today, isn't it?"

Lily glanced at the calendar in the room. It was on the page for July. There were red X marks on the numbers preceding the number 31, which was encircled with a red marker.

"Happy first birthday, little one," Lily greeted him, and Harry clapped his tiny hands.

"Too bad we can't invite your godfather," James added, tickling his foot.

"Yeah, but we can invite Bathilda," Lily said, mostly to James. "We can write a letter to Sirius after."

"Sure," James said, but Lily knew he was missing his best friend. Sirius was probably busy with the Order and James and Lily couldn't go out of their house, what with Voldemort (or Voldemort's Death Eaters) tailing them, and James's Invisibility Cloak borrowed by Dumbledore.

"Don't worry," Lily assured her husband. "Voldemort will be conquered, and then all these would be over."

"I sure hope so."

Lily put Harry, who had already gone back to sleep, back down to his cradle. Then she faced James. James slid his arms around her waist like how Lily's arms were around his. He then leaned his head on her forehead.

"Voldemort will be defeated, believe me," Lily whispered.

"I know." James sighed as he leaned in to kiss her shortly.

"I thought you were still sleepy," Lily said, a smile playing on the corner of her mouth.

"I guess," James said with a shrug.

Lily laughed quietly as they both walked to their room.

The next day, Lily and James owled their neighbor, Bathilda Bagshot, inviting her to have tea in their house for Harry's birthday. The day ended and when their owl arrived back atalmost nighttime, it was carrying a large box. James was the one who opened it when he found out it was from Sirius. It was a gift for Harry – a tiny broomstick that was only good for toddlers. Harry's eyes brightened as he saw the broomstick.

"Come here," James said to him.

"James, are you sure?" Lily asked nervously.

"Relax, Lily. Harry will be a natural – like his father." He winked.

Lily rolled her eyes and James made Harry sit on the broom. The broom rose, but only a few feet from the ground. Then Harry began flying all around the room.

"Oh no!" Lily shrieked, when Harry almost collided with the cat that was given by her parents.

James laughed.

After an hour of flying around and around the house, with the vase from Petunia already broken by Harry, Lily took a snapshot of him on his toy broomstick. He attached it to the thank-you letter for Sirius. After she tied the letter to the owl, she sat on the floor beside James.

"Look at how happy he is," Lily muttered, smiling slightly.

"It's fun to watch," James agreed.

Lily nodded.

"I wonder what would happen ten years from now," she said silently. "When he can already walk, talk, play and think for himself. When he can already study at Hogwarts."

"When he already found out his fate – that he has the power to vanquish Voldemort."

"Could that be true? Will Voldemort wait for Harry until he's able to defend himself?" Lily asked him anxiously.

"I don't know. But the future can be changed, can't it? Voldemort will die. Soon. He won't be able to touch Harry."

Lily tried to smile, but it was hard. She was still worried for the fate of her son. She and James wanted Harry to grow up protected, safe and unscathed. That was all that mattered for now. Harry could be whatever he wanted to be for himself in the future. Lily and James's only concern was for Harry to be happy and for him to enjoy his present life to the fullest. Whatever might happen, prophecy or no prophecy, they would be with Harry, protecting and guiding him.

Even after death.


End file.
